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We are at that place again … time for a kitchen re-do??  Last year, at this very same time, we were talking about doing a renovation to our then kitchen.  Fast forward to right now, in the new-to-us house, and we are contemplating the same thing.  The kitchen we are currently in is dated with the oak cabinets and ‘wave-like’ backsplash, but more than liveable at this point.  It’s not a for sure, done deal that we will be able to do it soon, but the dreaming about it has me all giddy! View full post »

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At the start of the year, I had written down some (maybe?!) lofty goals/habits of what I wanted to see change and shape in my day to day rhythms.  Then, after all that happened with Elkan, some of those aspirations were shooed off the radar.  This is all part of my journey that I’ll continue to be on … right up until the day we get to see him in heaven again.  Through it all, amongst navigating what grieving looks and heals like, I am learning that I need to give myself grace and time.  Grace and time to accomplish things that, in my mind, ‘should’ already be done.  Grace and time for my heart to heal.  Grace and time to allow myself to just be … exactly how I feel.

That all said, lately, I feel ready to get involved in my goals again while still giving myself those graces and no expectations of time attached (easier said than done!).  I don’t think I have ever fully written an ENTIRE list of ALL of my goals … that would be too insanely long!  BUT, I’ve noticed a common thread in some overall goals and thought it’d be helpful for me to share some of those achievements I want to reach.  Sharing how I will attempt to reign in some of my bad habits and replace them with some better, healthier ones will also give me sense of accountability – to you, my readers!!

My first lofty goal: getting to bed earlier.  It may not be hard for some, but for me, it most definitely is.  Look through the gallery to read some practical ways I hope to execute this process and chime in th comments if you have any tricks to pass along …

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PINYou know those weeks your to-do/project list is teeming over a single page, but you are still hopeful you can accomplish each item listed??  Yea … that is my week with the optimistic perspective that each of those things will get done (fingers crossed!).  Here’s a few of my dock items …

. Birthday week!  Matt’s birthday is midweek, and I am hosting a little birthday get-together for my sister’s birthday on Saturday.  Party vibes, think: white.  Pinterest is not helping me with all the beautiful ideas out there.  Hoping for a beauty day so we can be outside.

. We went to Kayben Farms this weekend, and I saw some sheep.  Along with chickens, goats, a miniature donkey, cows and horses, I’d love some sheep.  Our five acres can’t house all of those cute creatures, BUT a girl can dream of pictures like this, right?!

. Clearing out our saskatoon bushes of long, overgrown grass.  I’ll be using this cute gardening pillow I picked up the other week – so comfortable to kneel on, and yes, pleasing to the eye.  Confession: I actually bought two, one for around the house and one for the greenhouse(!)

. I bought two heads of cabbage this week … my plan is to FINALLY make some of these.  Without the raisins tho!

. We are currently doing a program called ‘Five In A Row” and we are in the middle of the book Make Way for the Ducklings.  Hoping we can find ourselves near some ducks this week as part of our nature study.

. The other weekend, I cleared two big garden beds of weeds, weeds and more weeds.  I would love to have them both full of these … does anyone have a suggestion for what would partner well with them?

. And … laundry!  I have stacks to get through as I’ve been sorting/switching closets.  Clothes too small, clothes to give away/pass on to the next brother, just up to my ear in clothes!  Dreaming about laundry room ideas in the midst of it all 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5

 

Whatever optimistic, lofty goals you have this week, I hope you are able to tackle them with some gusto!  Happy week, ya’ll <3

 

pic pix: dreaming of spring lilacs, Apr.2015, our old back alley

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color: golden rod yellow, blush (yes, again), pewter blues

word of inspiration: new beginnings 

source of word: With spring in the air, our hearts healing, blooms and sprouts soon to be making their way to the surface . . . we are on the path of new beginnings.    
/1.  this room … “me”.  just missing some wood, but love love love this room.  /2. nothing like a fresh posy photographed with a pretty door  /3. an all season sweater, coming at ya [source unknown]  /4. what a cute print for a cute little lass  /5. Joanna Gaines has got an eye for colors + design, like this dreamy rug  /6. love this wrap of a skirt  /7. my girlfriend’s cute company – Jane + Lou Baby – is continually bringing fresh things to the table.  i love these baby britches.  /8. this little mirror – the sweetest  /9. there are so many things to get in this print.  from pillows to shower curtains …  /10. brass pendant, needed in my life  /11. would like a pair of these plushy blushies for my studio  /12. a couple colorboards back, i highlighted the bison blanket (which we now have) from this company.  my latest obsession?  this yellow rose blanket <3

A note for you all:  Thank you for all the private messages/emails and those who contacted me from my last post about our sweet baby boy.  It warms my heart the love and support we have felt, and I am grateful for this community here.  Thanks for sharing in life with me <3

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PINThis part of my world [writing] has been kept more to the pages of my journal lately.  I haven’t wanted to openly/publicly express anything mainly because by talking about it … it solidifies even more the reality that we are living, and that is hard for me right now.

As some of you may or may not have known, I was pregnant with our fourth baby due to join us in July of this year.  Even though it was a rough start, I was just starting to feel well as we entered into the new year.  Spring, summer, fall … quite literally, life plans were made around this wee one arriving.  I was passed the ‘early’ stages of pregnancy and was feeling pretty excited that I was already one-third of the way through pregnancy and in 6 months, would be meeting him/her.  Mini conversations around Christmas were had with this baby growing inside me about how he/she would be with me next year, already 5 months old!  To say we were overjoyed was an understatement.

Then, a few weeks ago happened.

January 22, 2017, my sweet baby boy, Elkan Matthew entered this world.  I was around 15+ weeks pregnant but the doctors figured he had passed away around 13+ weeks.  The crushing moments of finding out our baby had no heartbeat and then having to endure labor were only the first hits of pain.  As we held our teeny tiny, perfect little boy in our hands, pangs of sadness/awestruck/disappointment/hurt/love/bewilderment and so much more brewed inside me.  So many questions, so many feelings, so much hurt.  The plans we had for him (though we didn’t know “he” was another boy!), the dreams we dreamed of him and the life we wanted for him were and are … gone.  And yet, only because of God’s forever grace, we feel a hope and a reassurance – the reassurance that God is holding our baby.  And even though my arms ache for him, we have a hope in our faith, knowing that one day we will be with Elkan in heaven.

We chose the name Elkan Matthew, like our other boys, not only for the sounds of the names but for the meanings and significances the names carry.  In the past, we haven’t decided on a girl/boy name up until a month before the due date, but early in this pregnancy, we knew the name ‘Elkan’ would be part of this baby’s life – girl or boy.  We knew God was doing a miracle creating this baby and we really felt that He would use this little life to bring creativity to others and would highlight His creation through our child’s life.

ELKAN: [pronounced: El-Kan] God creates; created by God/belonging to God
MATTHEW: gift from God

Our wonderful gift from God, though his life here with us what not nearly as long as we wanted it to be, was truly just that – a gift.  And I believe that, though in some ways he will become like our family’s special secret, his life will always be present to us with his purpose and revelation … right down to the meaning of his name.

Previous to knowing Elkan would be born, we had planned a mini getaway to Palm Desert, CA for a week which ended up being days after he was born.  During that week of renewal and rest, we were ignited again with some passions and ways that we want to be more creative in our lives.  Our hearts have again become stirred to really live for what we feel our purposes are and we also have a sparked striving to live out our dreams and to not just think them.  Amidst that time away, it’s become more apparent that Elkan’s gift of life to us, was and is a reminder for us to live our lives more creatively, enjoying all that God has created for our moments and breaths of life to hold … all with the understanding and the believing of His awesome promise that we belong to Him.

There are things in this life that I will never understand, especially why Elkan is not here with us today.  But again and again I will hold onto hope.  Hope for today.  Hope for our eternal future.  Hope for the redeeming of things that are incomprehensible in this life.  Hope that the purposes I have been created for will be accomplished, be an inspiration, and seen through.  Hope that God is carrying me through every happy/hard moment I live.  The hope that you, the reader, would see and be reminded from Elkan’s life that there is a creative process in your life that God wants to be part of.

And for the hope … that day I get to see my baby boy again in heaven ❤️

“But God loves us deeply. He is full of mercy.  So he gave us new life because of what Christ has done. He gave us life even when we were dead in sin. God’s grace has saved you.  God raised us up with Christ. He has seated us with him in his heavenly kingdom. That’s because we belong to Christ Jesus.” – Ephesians 2:4-6

 

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