If I were to get a glimpse into the person I am today, only 4 years ago, I don’t think I would believe it. Had I had the chance to feel the love that I feel today, four years ago, I would literally say I had not ever felt love that way before. Should there be a way I could shuttle back in time four years ago and listen to myself say “I’m tired”, I would give the biggest eye roll (and yawn) to myself.
You see, four years ago, I was pregnant with my first and not yet a mama on the outside.
As much physical outside change there has been, so so much has inside change has resulted since becoming a mama. Parts of me that I felt weren’t beautiful are something that I see totally different now. And other areas that I thought I was put together, let’s just say, have somehow unraveled themselves and I am a constant work of humility. What I deemed as important in my day-to-day life have now morphed into things more of necessity and need.
Never have a I felt a need to protect so fierce and the carrying the heaviness of someone else’s hurts/burdens/joys is insurmountable. I never knew that the pitter patter of feet into our bedroom could bring two emotions at the same time – 1. excitement to see their little faces and 2. dread that up-time (as Hunter calls it) is upon us. Their faces when they are sad, happy, in trouble, shy – whatever! are so darn cute, I gush just thinking about them!
Being Mama has changed the way I look at expectations. Never could I have expected such joyful gifts as these boys are. The amount of times I question myself if I’m doing things right gets evened out with the amount of times I do things naturally with no hesitations. The dreams I have for them, all that I want to pass along and have them experience … it’s like I literally want to give them the world.
Every parenting cliché seems to come to mind as I write this (and I really am not a fan of saying or hearing them!), but they all carry some truth to this journey. Sure, it
can be is hard work, but every morsel IS worth it and something that only I will get to do. Only once.
Being your Mama, Judah, Hunter + Israel is my greatest joy. I am so so blessed.
pic pix: grainy iPad selfie with the older boys today (Israel is in my arms to be technical), 12.Jan.2016, at home