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a whole year ago.

PINWhen I woke up this morning, I couldn’t believe that it has been an entire year.  They say time flies.  And yes, it most definitely does, but it feels like a lifetime that our baby boy was alive in my womb.  A journey that has only begun but yet is a forever etching that seems like it’s always been there.

I’ve never known this kind of grief or sadness before and it has made me realize all the more, that I really can’t understand the pain others endure.  We all know what pain is, but what we each experience, is so individual.  So much so, that sometimes, it felt easier to just be alone.  Although I’ve been in the presence of people, at times it has felt easier to keep silent because I know I will still feel alone even after sharing (a big reason why it was difficult to blog).  It’s a hard thing to articulate – as I knew (and know) that those that surrounded me love me, care for me, and have been there to listen.  ‘Journey‘ is the only way I can describe how the pain has/is being dealt with ❤

We recently watched the movie The Shack (*spoiler alert* – I am talking about the movie if you haven’t seen it).  I have some mixed opinions about the story itself, but there was a part in the ending that served as salve for my aching mama heart.  The dad caught a glimpse of his little girl in heaven, so happy, so beautiful.  God’s character in the movie, Papa, gave the father a choice that he could either be in heaven with his daughter or with the rest of his family on earth (until they would one day see her in heaven again).  Papa said that Missy (the daughter) would not know the difference between the next moment or 45 more years.  As time in heaven is different, something we obviously do not understand, for him to stay on earth would be like the blink of an eye … she would not be in the state of missing him.

As I’ve mentioned before, I am so grateful for the hope of heaven, and the hope of seeing and being with Elkan one day again.  But a question I’ve asked so often is how come he couldn’t be part of our family longer here on earth?  Why did it have to be so short?  I’ve put my thoughts within the time constraints of this earth and have been irked at the fact that Elkan will be “waiting for us” for what could be, possibly years.  After hearing the perspective of how heaven’s on a different clock, I was given a new peace.  He is not missing us.  And though, he IS waiting for us … it is in the best place, with the Father who loves him so, and within the best way of time.

Each day is definitely a new step, part of this journey on earth without him.  Yet, the reminder of him allows us to venture forward with him too.  The name Elkan means God creates.  Each and every day, we are new creations walking in the light.  God has created us for today … we are to live that way!  Our time here may be short, but there is so much meaning and purpose packed in a single day, let alone, our lifetime.  We miss the mark sometimes, longing for “another life”, literally and figuratively, and I don’t want to take my breaths here on earth for granted.

…Love is deep as the road is long
And moves my feet to carry on
It beats my heart when you are gone
Love is deep as the road is long
Nobody knows how the story ends
Live the day, doing what you can
This is only where it began …
– The Lumineers

I know I don’t know some of the pains you have experienced or are going through, but what I do know is that there is a special reason you were placed right where you are – in the family you belong to, the day you were born, the lives you touch daily … down to the freckles you may have on your nose!  God, the Creator, made you to be you and live the life you have.  Don’t miss it, friends.  Live the day doing what you can …

pic pix: shots from last January on the porch, 19.Jan.2017, at home

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